Financially Inclined April 25, 2025 Transcript

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Yanely Espinal: What's up, everybody? I'm Yanely Espinal and this is Financially Inclined from Marketplace. We're sharing money lessons for living life your own way.

Money is bound to come up in your dating life. Like who's gonna pay for the movie tickets on date night, or how much you should spend on buying each other birthday gifts. It could all get real awkward real quick, which is why I'm talking today with author and financial therapist Aja Evans about money and dating. As a financial therapist, Aja helps her clients get comfortable talking openly and honestly about money, and she helps them work through all the emotional baggage that comes with it. She recently published a book called “Feel Good Finance,” so I know she'll have plenty of good advice to share. All right, let's get into it. 

Espinal: When you think about teenagers, they're in newer relationships for the first time, probably in their first early romantic relationships. And I feel like as you go on in your relationship, you start to build that deeper level of trust over time, knowing somebody and spending more time with them. But at first, though, it can be a little awkward, like, maybe, like, the first day. And so how do you suggest, especially younger couples that are really new to navigating these romantic relationships, and how it overlaps with money, how to navigate those like, can be a little bit awkward instances around paying for stuff. 

Aja Evans: Yeah, just say it honestly. I am here for open communication. Just say it, and say, “Hey, this might be awkward, but I would rather us be awkward right now than later at the restaurant. How do you want to pay?” “I would really love to treat you,” if you got it like that and you're ready to foot the bill, I'm here for it, but say it in the beginning so we're not like, “Oh, I was waiting for them to fumble or mess around with their pockets, so I knew,” let's just cut it out. Call it what it is, right? Like, “Oh, I would love to treat you, so do not worry about it.” Or “do you mind if we split it? Does that feel comfortable for you?” So talk about the money part before you even go out on the date and have that conversation. “Oh, I'll get dinner. Do you want to get the movie?” Whatever it might look like, but talk about it before, and you can say it's going to be awkward, like, “This is awkward. It's giving me the ick, but I don't want to be worried about it.”  

Espinal: Yeah. How do you feel like teens can navigate these kinds of conversations, and how this might compare to, I don't know, older couples, or maybe married couples, or like their parents, and how that's different from their relationships as teens?

Evans: Absolutely. So all of this is going to be deep, all of it's going to be emotional, but to your point, teenagers may not be going there as quickly as a couple who have been together for some time, so it's gonna we're gonna take a little baby step towards that process of vulnerability, and it could be just having vulnerable conversations about how you grew up. When you're a teenager, your person that you're hanging out with, that you care about, that you might be dating, is also a huge confidant for you. So it's really important to think to yourself, do I feel comfortable being vulnerable with this person? Can I share with them, you know, what I have lived through good, bad and the ugly, and know that, hey, I can build this trust with this person, and we're having a good time and we're having fun. That is equally as important when you're an adult as it is when you're a teenager. So I'm always going to be a champion for honesty. I'm always going to be a champion for getting vulnerable. Because as people are growing up and having those conversations, you want to feel practiced. So you want to feel like, hey, I talk to the people I care about, about money, and that's really hard, but it's very, very important.

Espinal: Yeah, and I feel like initiating those conversations is the hardest part, because, like, once you're in it, you're like, oh, this conversation, okay, like, we see eye to eye, or, hey, we resolved something. But initiating those conversations can be scary. It can feel really heavy. So what are some like tips that you could give newer to romantic relationships, younger people who are kind of like trying to navigate just starting a conversation. Maybe it's something uncomfortable that happened that they noticed, or something that they just have had on their chest that they haven't been able to get off, and it's related to the money and how it overlaps with their relationship.

Evans: Yep. So what I would say first is being vulnerable and having those hard conversations is a strength. I think we need to rebrand vulnerability to the max. We have acted like it's a sign of weakness somehow, when really, when you are being vulnerable, that is probably the strongest you can be. And then I would say, then you use the I statements, “Oh, that really hurt my feelings.” “I felt hurt when XYZ, XYZ,” and share that with the other person. And for some people, it may be like when you start getting into the financial aspect of it, how do you be vulnerable and just say, “Listen, I want to be honest. This is what's happening for me.” “I want to be honest. I'm broke.” “I want to be honest. I'm helping out my family.” “I want to be honest. This is what's coming up for me. I just don't got it like that,” like whatever it may be. If that person is like, “You know what? That's not who I'm trying to date. I'm trying to date somebody else who does have it like that.” Keep it pushing. You can be you can be sad for a little bit. That's okay. You be sad. Have your feelings be hurt. Older you is gonna thank you for the strength of knowing like, I value myself and I can speak up for myself, and if somebody's gonna, like, toss me aside because they're not interested in it, they saved your time.

Espinal: That's true. That's very true. I also feel like sometimes it kind of connects to how you accept or receive what somebody's putting down or giving to you. So for example, I've heard a lot about love languages, and so I've done that, that love language test, and I found out that I really receive love by spending quality time with people. So if you tell me you love me, but you never spend quality time with me, I'm not gonna believe you. But at the same time, I don't like when people buy me stuff, like I'm just not a big person around like, shopping, receiving and giving gifts. I'd rather you just spend time with me than try to buy my way to love you. So do you feel like that plays a big role in this, especially early on, younger relationships, when they're starting to develop some of those tendencies?

Evans: Yeah, I think there's a push that comes from, you know, external sources. So whether it's from social media, people you're following, there's this assumption that, “Oh, if they're not giving me gifts, if they're not coming up with, like, bouquets of flowers every single time we hang out, if they're not showing up in a beautiful car, if they're not paying for my Ubers…,” it just is so based in money that they don't care about you, but, like, what if they don't got it like that, but they're a great person, and they make you laugh and you're having fun. So really think about, what do I want from this actual person outside of the “Oh, it's really nice that they got me this gift,” or, “Oh, she really showed up for me when she did XYZ.” What do you really want? And I know that can be hard as a teenager, I remember, but at the end of the day, I just wanted somebody to pay attention to me. I wanted somebody to tell me that I was hot and beautiful and really smart, and they wanted to walk around and hold my hand. And if that's what you want, let's stop acting like it's, “Oh, they need to be showing up in this car. They need to be doing that,” like, come on now, that’s not really what you want.

Espinal: For what?

Evans: Exactly, for what.

Espinal: I feel like there was always so much pressure when my crush was around, like, to be a certain way, or to, like, spend a certain way. And especially nowadays, with social media blowing up, there's even more pressure that money is connected to, like, your self esteem. So if somebody is stuck in that mind frame, like, how can they shift away from that mindset and move to something that's a little bit more healthy when it comes to the way they think about money and their relationships?

Evans: Yeah, I would say I want you to get out your notes app or a journal or a notebook, and I want you to either journal it out or list out why you are a valuable person outside of money, and that is very hard for a teenager, because I know we have to pull back those layers of self esteem. We have to pull back those layers of vulnerability to be like, “What do I like about myself outside of money?” And if the answer is nothing, and for some people, it may be nothing, then go ask your best friend. Ask them, “What do you like about me? Because I'm having some trouble figuring it out for myself.” And your best friend will tell you, and they won't be upset that you were like, “What do you mean you don't know?” Like, again, be honest, communicate. “Oh, I just can't figure out what I like about myself outside of the fact that I can spend money, or that I might have money, or I want to be somebody who has money,” and look at that list and then figure out, like, “Okay, how do I shift this so I don't have to worry about doing this again? What do I need to do to feel good about myself? Who do I need to be hanging out with to feel good about myself?” Because that's another thing. If you're hanging out with people that make you feel crappy, they got to go too.

Espinal: Get some new friends. Or a new partner. Because the reality is, if your partner is the source of that feeling of negativity, time to move on.

Evans: Out. 

Espinal: For our Learn More segment in today's episode, I asked Aja to stick around and help me brainstorm some creative date ideas that won't break the bank. 

Evans: I love a picnic. I will always be here for like, a picnic. It can have food, you don't need food. You can get takeout. You don't need it. I mean, I'm always here for snacking, but maybe not everybody is. So you don't always need the snacks. It's okay if you're just going to chill, bring some music, play some music, and just like, vibe together. Like, nothing's cuter than one headphone in each ear. Like, come on, my little heart, patter, come on.

Espinal: I know, right? Well, nowadays, nowadays it’s one air pod in each year. But you know. 

Evans: I will take it. Like that, adorable, right? Making somebody a playlist, or let me share my Spotify playlist with you. Again, adorable, and also a little stroll, like, let's go get a drink of choice, whatever that might be, coffee, tea, bubble tea, water, soda, a smoothie, and walk around and just like, get lost in a different neighbor. Like, let's just go to a different place.

Espinal: Yeah, I love that. One thing that I do with my boyfriend, and I love doing this. We will literally just grab some, like, construction paper, colored paper that we have around the house, and we'll go on YouTube and pull up, like, origami tutorials, and we will literally just sit there and do like, “Oh, look, I made a swan.” “Oh, look, I made a frog.” And if he learned one that I didn't know how to do, he'll teach me, or I'll teach him. And we're talking, we're listening to music. So like you said, it's more about the vibe. And honestly, I feel like you learn so much about a person when you when you're going through something like a little challenging, like they're doing a puzzle or playing a board game, or you're making origami, sometimes, like it's more challenging than you think. And when you see how they respond to those situations, it could be a little bit of a light bulb moment, like, Oh, you know, “Oh, I like how he problem solved,” or, “Oh, I don't like the way he got a real outrageous when he was mad that the paper wasn't folding properly.” Like, right? You know, you could see things about your partner that you might not have seen in a different setting 

Evans: Exactly. It's like putting together Ikea furniture, you know? We're gonna learn a lot. 

Espinal: I love that. That's so true. 

Okay, thanks for listening to today's episode with Aja Evans about money in relationships. I hope this gave you some helpful guidance on the financial part of dating. I know you got this. And if you have any questions for us or you want to share your own story, our email is [email protected].

Financially Inclined is brought to you by Marketplace from American Public Media, in collaboration with Next Gen Personal Finance. I’m your host, Yanely Espinal. Our Senior Producer is Zoë Saunders. Our Video Editor is Francesca Manto, and our Graphics Artist is Mallory Brangan. The podcast was edited by Katie Reuther. Gary O’Keefe is our Sound Engineer. Bridget Bodnar is the Director of Podcasts. Francesca Levy is the Executive Director. Neal Scarbrough is the VP & General Manager of Marketplace. Our theme music is by Wonderly.

Financially Inclined is funded in part by the Sy Syms Foundation, partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985. And special thanks to the Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance for continuing to support Marketplace in its work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy.